April 30, 2014. Ridgeland, Mississippi. My Sister Carol.

My sister Carol would have had a birthday tomorrow on May 1st, but she died suddenly two years ago in June. She would have been 79 years old. She had always been a good sister to me. Her skills were not my skills. By the time she was 12, she was making all her own clothes, using my Mother's sewing machine. No one taught her how to do it. She just figured it out on her own. And she always did my hair. Until she left for college, I had never brushed my own hair. Unbelievable but true. All her life, she made things. Her pies were delicious. She could knit, sew, crochet, and embroider. I can do none of them, perhaps because as children she could do them all, and very well too. And of course, she did them all for me, all her life. I still miss her. As adults, we never lived in the same city but we talked on the phone. She did love to talk and we often had long conversations. At least, I would listen to Carol while she caught me up to date on her family activities. Now that she has died, no one tells me about all her extended family. She and her husband were also generous with their cottage. Both of my boys were invited to spend time without their parents at their cottage and when her husband Ken retired, he invited David to spend the summer at their cottage, and he had a grand time. Andrew was scheduled to be in Panama that summer. So my sister helped to raise my boys as well as her brood. I had only one sister and one brother. To my knowledge, our family has never had a disagreement. I have been remarkably fortunate with my family, both immediate and extended. But my family is shrinking which must mean that I am getting old. Tomorrow, I will celebrate my sister's birthday and drink a glass of wine with Christina and Ken in her honor. We will all wish that our family was bigger.

April 29, 2014. Ridgeland, Mississippi. Car Phones.

Yes. They were actually called car phones and the phone was attached to the car, with a transmitter hidden in the trunk and an antennae attached to the top. I know this because I bought one of the first car phone contracts in Montgomery county. I was a real estate agent and it was 1985 or 1986. It is hard to believe, but Cellular One was having difficulty selling the phones and could not figure out to whom they should target their advertisement, so they had me tell a true story about my success with the car phone, and they put that ad on the radio 150 each day on 50 stations, for two months. For about 3 months, I was famous. And I have not been without a portable phone since that time. But today, my granddaughter Kate gave me a lesson in taking pictures on my new fancy iPhone. My son David, when he was in Jackson for Andrew's service, urged me to buy a new phone that could easily text. It is easier for him to text me than e mail, as he can do it while waiting for a basketball game, or even waiting for the lights. As he asked me several times, I bowed to his wishes and now I have my new, modern phone. I have become a modern woman. It has been fun learning the buttons but as I have used my iPad for several years, I found the systems to be very similar. Now my e mails come right to me on my phone along with the text messages, but you already knew that bit of information. My old flip phone actually did everything I needed a phone to do, but the texting was difficult. But not any more. Of course, as I have a bit of a tremor in my left hand, I can not use my thumbs while holding the phone. Instead I must secure the phone on my knee and rest my arm on something. Perhaps I will get more adept. Do not ever believe that you can not teach an old dog new tricks!!

April 28, 2014. Ridgeland, Mississippi. Tornado Watch.

The whole Jackson area was under a tornado watch. The emergency service notifies you on your cell phone, telling you to seek shelter, and the sirens wail, reminding you of danger. It is all very unnerving. But it is necessary. On the local television station, the weather man was on the screen continuously, telling you the track of the storm and urging people what to be doing. Everyone in a mobile home was to immediately leave and seek shelter in a secure building. Anyone in an automobile was to leave their vehicle and seek shelter. Everyone was to make a secure area of the house complete with pillows and mattresses to stay during the storm. We were told to be sure to wear shoes. It was exciting as we watched as we ate our dinner. We watched on TV while the storm hit Vicksburg and kept coming east toward Jackson. The whole area was full of tornadoes. New storms kept breaking out. Our safe spot was ready and all the outside furniture secured. Our section of Jackson received only rain, wind and hail but tornadoes set down in several places, one with four fatalities. After the rain, Ken and I drove home to our condo. The streets were deserted. Several yards were pools of water as were many streets but we made it home without difficulty, having survived our first tornado watch in Jackson.

April 27, 2014. Ridgeland, Mississippi. Habits.

Habits are interesting. Often we perform acts that we never think about, but we repeat the process over and over again. For instance, when the electrical service is out of order due to a storm and we know perfectly well that the candles are lighting the room, every time I enter a room I flip the switch. It is my habit to turn on the switch when I enter any dark room, so I just keep repeating the process, even though it may take days before the electrical service is restored. And then there are bathrooms. I enter a bathroom to put in my eyedrops and before I leave, I must use the toilet even though, when I walked in, I felt no need to use the commode. It is my habit to never walk past a toilet without using it, especially when traveling, so I have programmed myself to use the toilet whenever I walk into the bathroom. It is my habit. Molly was playing with friends down the street. She ran into the house with great glee and called out,"Daddy and Mommy. I am home". There was dead silence for a moment and I called out to her that I was in the kitchen and the awkward moment passed. It was her habit to report her presence to Andrew and Christina. It will be interesting to see how long she keeps that pattern.

April 26, 2014. Ridgeland, Mississippi. Questions.

Some questions we will never know. For instance, the question of what happened mid year of 2013, when Andrew's business faltered? Did he run out of cash reserves? Did he lose interest or energy? And another question is why did Andrew did not ask for help? David would have helped him in a heartbeat, and I know something about building a business but he did not say a word. Even his good friends John, Jim and Bo were not aware of his distress. These things are mysteries that will never be solved. But somethings we do know. When Andrew could no longer look after the financial life of the family, he chose to end his life. It was Ken who first suggested the idea that Andrew was so embarrassed by his lack of financial success that he did the equivalent of falling on his sword, which is the true Japanese manner when you have let someone down. When Andrew started his business, for four years all went well, with the income stream going up comfortably every year. But something happened and Andrew did not ask for help. And now he is gone. Eventually we will remember the vitality that came from Andrew. His love of life and his family came through every interaction. Soon we will remember and smile. With Andrew, one of his great charms was that you never quite knew what he was saying or doing next. But at the moment, he has left a big hole in our lives, and we miss him. I am not writing another wee web log about Andrew. I have said everything I know to say. Now I must move along.

April 25, 2014. Ridgeland, Mississippi. Baby Steps.

We are all beginning to take the baby steps of living in a world without Andrew. He was such a big presence in our lives that we feel as if we are living with a hole inside of us. Yesterday, Christina went to lunch with two friends in her sister in laws home and it was a normal, quiet lunch with no weeping. Today, Christina reported to me that her day was remarkably normal. Friends have picked the girls up, Kate to go to a movie and dinner and Mary Frances to play with Polly, then go out to dinner with their family. Ken, Christina, Molly and I walked down the street to a very small park just before dinner, and chatted cheerfully with neighbor families. Andrew has always loved dill pickles. Usually, when we visit, I buy a huge bottle of dill pickles and bring it to him. Today at the grocery store, I did not even cry when I walked past the pickles. I must say that I did not linger. For the last two nights, we have eaten dinner with just the family. Normally, we eat in the dining room but I was not prepared to spend the dinner hour in the dining room without Andrew so I suggested that we sit around the coffee table and eat dinner casually, with Ken sitting at the counter. He hates to eat with a plate on his nap. It was pleasant. Tonight it was an even smaller group as both big girls were out, and again, our meal time was quiet and pleasant without weeping. I don't know what a heavy heart really is, but I know we all have it. But I am beginning to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I say "Thank You God. Thank You for Andrew." Tomorrow would have been his birthday.

April 24, 2014. Ridgeland, Ms. Good Things.

I have read that something good comes out of everything. Kate and Mary Frances have discovered that fact. David and Suzanne are committed to keeping close touch with the Mississippi girls. David suggested that it would be easier if Kate and Mary Frances both own new smart phones, as Kate's phone is old and MF does not have a phone. Monday evening, David told the girls, that on Tuesday morning, they would go shopping with Suzanne and buy any phone they wanted and he would pay the monthly charges. The girls were stunned and for 15 seconds all was quiet, until MF said "Hot damn", and she smiled, which was the first time anyone has seen her smile since Andrew died. Now both girls are the proud owners of new fancy iPhones and they are thrilled. From David's perspective, he can easily check up with the girls by texting or by looking at the bills. If the girls are not using the phone it will mean someone is depressed, so a phone call will be needed. It is a situation that has worked well for everyone.