February 26, 2008. Chevy Chase. Conflicted.

I went to work today.  I felt conflicted. On the one hand I felt like I did when leaving my child at Kindergarten.  Would this child be looked after properly?  Was the child going to be safe?  I have been at Ken's side for over 4 weeks and as I drove away I had the same anxiety.  What will happen if Ken falls?  Who will help?  On the other hand I felt like I had received a "get out of jail" card.  I was on my own on the way to the office to do my own work at my own time in my own way.  What a relief!  But today had more hurdles to leap for Ken.  He cooked dinner all by himself.  And we walked in the neighborhood for half an hour.

I think the weaning process works both ways.  Both Ken and I have to wean ourselves off each other, both on the practical side and the psychological side.  Fortunately, Ken does not like to have me hovering over him, tho he said he was very tired tonight.  I suspect that he has some anxiety when I leave him at home too.  One thing I know for sure.  The body heals faster than the soul.  The threat to a persons sense of self when very ill is torn apart, and  the confidence comes back very slowly, long after the physical healing is complete.  Everything comes together eventually, especially when you work hard at the process.

Today after school Christina and the girls came over to visit us and have a cup of tea.  When Ken was home from the hospital they came for a short visit with Ken, and we all had an after school snack and a cup of tea.  Today when Christina picked the girls up from school, Kate asked if they were coming over to see Ken.  They were just over here on Sunday, but Christina called to see if we would like a visit.  Of course we were delighted.  So we both got to fiddle with the baby Molly and hear all about Kate and Mary Frances and their day at school.  Surprise visits are just the best!!