January 20, 2019. Playa Royale, Mexico. Lonesome.

In the middle of nowhere, I lost my cool. Brains move at the speed of light. Before I could think, I was remembering all the things I have lost when Ken passed away. Ken always said I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He knew it was not so as I have never been beautiful but for Ken, I was. Now no one thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world. Ken had a wonderful and quirky sense of humor which I miss. Ken read widely and always brought to our table ideas I had not heard. For 63 years, Ken has been looking out for me. All this and more came in the midst of the Elvis tribute. The singer sang "Are you Lonesome Tonight?" All at once, I realized that I was lonesome for Ken, and the tears ran down my cheeks. All the reasons why I was missing Ken flowed through my brain in lightning speed. And I wept. The room was dark so no one could see me but I did lose my cool. I have wept many times since Ken died but always by myself our in bed. Up until now, in public, I have been thankful for my blessings and have been using it as a mantra. Ken spent not a day in a nursing home or a hospice. Ken was enjoying his life until two days before he died. We were both grateful for our last year together and spoke about 2018 as a difficult but wonderful year. All this is true. I am grateful. But during that song, I realized that I was lonesome for Ken. And I probably always will.